Once upon a lifetime..

the tribe has spoken many times in the past, however this is the first time I’ve really listened to the voice which has been tell me to do this for the past 3 years. Its time to go.

I have to admit to finally come to the realisation that the door is shutting on one part of your life and the other door, the one which you hope will open, is every so slightly open but you can’t see what is behind it, it is daunting. However, like I have done in the past, its time to put one foot infront of the other and keep walking and trust that something will be underneath my feet and will continue to be there as I walk the path..

I’ve told a friend recently to ebrace change, accept the challenge and to just move with the dynamic of the changes..I think I have to also do that…

My life is going to change, I don’t know how or when but it is, and for that, I need to accept the change and be willing to embrace what life and God has for me..

Insomnia is that, whilst the body is tired, the brain is over active…and doesn’t want to shut down!!! You over think things, you over analyse things and you just end up getting yourself into knots, making yourself more and more anxious and then you become completely unstuck and exhausted at the end of it all..at the moment Im sitting here typing on a computer, where as I would love to be in bed, snug and warm and asleep..

I worked on this day, however, I did say a prayer for my Dad and his Vietnam Veteran friends, those who came home and for those who didn’t.

My tribute to them..

I know for the past couple of years that I have made no secret that I have been suffering from depression and anxiety. Tonight I watch 7pm on Channel 10 and they are discussing depression and the impact that it has on peoples lives. Currently under the current federal government health plan only 6% of allocated funds are towards depression and other subsequent mental health issues. Whilst I would say I am one of the lucky ones, having insight into my depression, addressing it when I feel myself falling into my little cave, and being able to identify my trigger points which lead me into that deep dark cave where I feel comfy and nice, the only problem with that little cave, is that its not a healthy place to be. Depression is one of the largest growing mental health issue in Australia, and this can come from many sources. I have worked with young people who have mental health issues and I remember one vividly who said to me after an attempt on their life “you get paid to care!” and that has me thinking, whilst I am paid to do a job, I am not paid to care, and more importantly, neither are those who also work in a job where they confront mental health issues.

I know for myself, if my depression gets bad I can’t go out, I can’t talk to people, I can’t do anything, yet the next day, I can be fine and you would never know that I had an episode. But this is not true for everyone else. Some people can’t get out of that cozy little hole, some love being there and prefer it to life and thats where the drugs come in, others can’t cope at all and decide that life is not worth living and leave their loved ones behind. Those very loved ones who are left with anger, sadnes and fustration at a health system, a government and a population which does not express empathy or even being to address these issues seriously. I believe that we must be serious in addressing mental health and subsequent depression as this can be a dibilitating and life threatening issue, and the impact that it has on a person in their home and work life can often lead to other issues such as substance misuse. So when are state and federal governments going to take this issue seriously? and how many other loved ones have to wake up not knowing if their sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, cousins and others are going to be there in the morning?

I thought I would take this a bit left field than the previous posts, this one is about Star Wars, more specifically, Star Wars books!!!!

When I left high school all those many years ago, I sought to re-caputre my childhood by reading books based on my favourite movies, one of those movies was Star Wars, so I ventured into my local book shop and came across a whole new genre – Star Wars Books.

These books provided me with more adventures within the Star Wars universe, created new characters and new storylines, and most of all, continued the adventure which the movies started. I loved them!! and every month when a new book was launched I would go into the shop and buy it and read it. I even remember once going to a book shop in Geneva and picking up an english version of a Star Wars book, thats how dedicated I was. However in the last couple of years I haven’t even read much of a book, let alone the Star Wars ones, so Im going to recitify that.

I have to say, that the best series I have read in the Star Wars universe are the X-Wing Series. Not only were we introduced to new characters but old characters were given histories and developed their own identities, Wedge Antilies, Tycho Chelcu and Wes Jansen, all suriviors of the original death star expolsion were bought together to form Wraith Squadron, a squadron of rogues who formed together to become a formidable squadron of leaders. We found out more about Wedges’ life, his sister and his relationship with Baron Fel – supreme pilot for the Empire. Through the books the characters come to life, they begin to become real, and watching the movies and seeing their characters you become proud of the fact that not only did they survive but they became more than what the movies were able to deliver.

While I won’t post reviews of the books, they can be found on Wikipedia or even TheForce.net, I will say which books Im up to and which ones I do like. But I have to say that some books I have on my shelf are over 15 years old and have gone yellow with age, but it will be great to read them again!!!

Its been a rough month and a bit,  stuff at work clashing with personal stuff has just made things chaotic, and holding onto the roller coaster was a bit more dangerous than usual, coming close to the edge and falling off seemed to be a common theme with this roller coaster..

But I took time out, re-collected and became more shorefooted, which was a good thing for me, whilst stuff at work is still up and down, its gradually becomming smoother, and personally, I think the roller coaster has smoothed out and we can begin to relax again.

I went to my friends house for the weekend, and it was great, I went woodchopping which was a great source of relaxation and enjoyed it!!! It wasn’t as cold in Uralla as it was last time I went and just generally enjoyed the weekend. I came back on Monday and fully took in the landscape and natures playground, it was spetacular! the views along the New England were just special…the lush green fields, with the animals grazing without a care in the world, and the picturesque mountains in the background all made the journey a pleasant one. I have to admit though, hitting the F3 and knowing I was heading into major civilisation almost turned me into a nervous wreck!! City traffic and just the general busyness of the city is enough to make one scream! However I endured…so now Im back at work in the normal hum and drum of city life….

The roller coast of life continues…up and down, up and down, sometimes you get a rest, and things will level out, however once it starts on the downward trend, you either hold on for dear life or you throw your hands up in the air and yell “BRING IT ON!!”

At the beginning of the ride down, I hung on for dear life and went with every bump, corner and felt every scrape, but after a 7 hr drive and some contemplative thinking, I came to the realisation that no matter what I did, things were still going to happen and I just had to let them be..and I have….I had to chose between my own sanity or my own need to control, I chose sanity.

On Thursday the week before last a friend of mine told me that his mother was not well, so she went to the hospital to get checked out, she was admitted and was discovered that she was having a heart attack, they stabilised her and then transported her to a major hospital, by Friday, she was that sick she passed away.  So understandably the family and my friend were very very upset. Friday morning, I found out that my own mother went to hospital for gallstones, she was kept in after her surgery due to heart flutters but shes ok, which is good..

Anyways by the Monday I was in such a state I just couldnt go to work or anything, so I decided to take time out and went to Uralla and stayed with some friends. On my way there a woodtruck overturned so we had to wait for the clean up to happen, and then off to Uralla. It was freezing, Tuesday morning it was -4 degrees, car was semi frozen over, Wednesday morning it was -6.5 degrees, car was frozen over, Thursday it wasn’t that bad, but at 10am it was 1.5 degrees and didnt get over 3 degrees, Friday, max was 4 degrees. FREEZING!!

Left there on Friday afternoon and got home closer to 12am, but was happy to be home in my bed and all nice and snug!! Had a good few days with my friend and her family and basically chilled out..